“Do I look impersonal to you?” she asked, barely two minutes into our session. Vera, 38, charismatic and elegant — yet there was an ache in her voice. She had that look. You know the one — the face of a woman who’s trying to convince herself she’s not overreacting.
She’d just ended a two-week dating streak with a man who, on the surface, was lovely.
“He seemed kind. Didn’t push. We laughed. But… I felt invisible.”
I leaned in gently. “Can you tell me more about that feeling?”
She hesitated. “It hit me the other night — he never called me by my name. Not once. It felt like I was a... placeholder. A stand-in. Not me. Just someone.”
Not once. In two weeks. “It was like I was a concept, not a person,” she said. And that tiny detail hit hard.
Research shows that using someone’s first name creates a sense of validation and belonging. Dale Carnegie wrote, “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language.” It’s not just poetic — it’s neurologically true. Brain scans show a unique response when we hear our own name. It activates areas linked to self-awareness and reward.
Not using someone’s name repeatedly, especially in early dating, can signal emotional distance or even a lack of genuine interest. It tells your subconscious, “You don’t matter enough to be named.”
It wasn’t the man’s actions that ultimately disappointed Vera — it was what they revealed. “When I asked him why he never used my name, he just shrugged. Said it wasn’t important. We are having a good time, aren't we?”
She felt like an accessory in the scene, not a person.
A name isn’t just a label. It’s recognition. It's emotional acknowledgment. It’s a basic form of respect. When someone doesn’t use it, they are — consciously or not — erasing parts of your identity.
Sometimes, the absence of your name is a sign of emotional withholding. People avoid it because naming creates intimacy — and not everyone is ready for that.
Small practices, big Impact.
Start noticing how you use your own name. Say it aloud. Sign your messages with it. Write it down when journaling. The brain responds to these cues.
What you can do if you feel invisible
✔️ Ask gently: “Have you noticed you don’t use my name much?”
✔️ Affirm yourself: Use your own name with pride — write it, say it, feel it.
✔️ Anchor your identity: Remind yourself that you don’t need to shrink to be liked.
As we unpacked this together, Vera stopped blaming herself. She began to understand that being overlooked wasn’t her fault — but accepting it was within her control.
Now, she uses her name boldly. “Hi, I’m Vera,” she starts. With pride. With presence.
Every pain has a lesson. For Vera, it was simple but profound: I deserve to be acknowledged. That alone can change your life.
Sometimes, it’s not about massive transformation. It’s about subtle shifts — like someone finally calling you by your name, and you realizing… you needed that more than you thought.
Your name is not optional. It’s not decorative. It is your identity. And anyone who won’t use it is showing you something. Believe them.
Vera’s story is one many women can relate to — being in relationships where you feel present but invisible. By tuning into what felt “off,” she discovered a lack of emotional recognition. The use of her name became the symbolic key to understanding her deeper needs. As her therapist, I offered space, tools, and reflection — but it was Vera who stepped into the light and reclaimed her voice. And you can too.
FAQs
Why does it hurt when someone doesn’t use your name?
Because names affirm our identity. When someone doesn’t use yours, it can feel like they’re avoiding intimacy or failing to see you as a person.
Can therapy help me feel seen again?
Absolutely. Therapy provides a safe space to unpack experiences where you felt invisible and rebuild your sense of self-worth.
What does it mean if I feel “impersonal” in relationships?
It often points to unmet emotional needs — for recognition, affection, and validation. These can be explored and healed in therapy.
How can I rebuild my self-respect after a breakup?
Through self-reflection, boundary-setting, identity work, and gentle compassion. Tools from CBT and hypnotherapy are especially effective.
Is CBT or hypnotherapy better for confidence issues?
Both are powerful. CBT helps restructure thought patterns. Hypnotherapy accesses the subconscious to shift deep-rooted beliefs.
Hypnotherapy helps you bypass the inner critic and connect with your deeper self — the one that’s always known your worth, even when others didn’t reflect it back.
CBT strategies for rebuilding identity
- Thought logs to track patterns of people-pleasing
- Cognitive restructuring to challenge false beliefs like “I’m too much”
- Behaviour experiments to test new, confident actions.
By Olesia Chayko
Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapist & Post-Relationship Healing Specialist