There’s a moment after heartbreak when the mind starts spiralling: If I had been more patient, more exciting, less emotional, less demanding… maybe they wouldn’t have left.
It’s a seductive lie—the belief that if only you were better, love would have lasted. But here’s the truth: the wrong person will leave, no matter how much you twist yourself to fit their expectations. And the right person? They will stay, not because you shape-shift into someone "worthy," but because they see and value you exactly as you are.
So why do we fall into this cycle of self-blame?
The Illusion of Control in Relationships
For many, trying to "fix" ourselves after rejection is an attempt to regain control. If the pain is our fault, then changing ourselves means we can prevent it from happening again. It feels safer to believe this than to accept the unpredictability of love.
But relationships aren’t reward systems for self-improvement. No matter how much effort you put in, you cannot single-handedly sustain a connection meant for two. True love isn’t about being good enough; it’s about being with someone who aligns with you at a fundamental level.
The Cost of Self-Abandonment
When you keep altering yourself to fit someone else’s needs, you lose sight of your own. Each compromise chips away at your authenticity until one day, you barely recognise the person in the mirror. And even if you manage to keep them around, what have you really won? A love that depends on you staying smaller than you truly are?
The right relationship will never require you to shrink, silence your voice, or betray your needs.
Healing Beyond "Fixing"
Instead of obsessing over what you should have done differently, shift the question:
- What patterns keep leading me to unavailable or incompatible partners?
- Where have I abandoned myself in relationships?
- How can I build trust in my own decisions, rather than seeking validation from others?
Real healing comes from understanding that your worth is not tied to another person’s willingness to stay. It comes from learning to choose yourself—without waiting for someone else to do it first.
Because when you stop trying to be enough for the wrong people, you make space for the right one. And that starts with you.
Healing Beyond Self-Blame: What Actually Works
If you truly want to build a healthy, fulfilling relationship, the focus needs to shift from fixing yourself to understanding yourself. Here’s how:
- Rebuild Self-Worth from Within
Love that lasts isn’t about proving your worth—it’s about recognising it. Choose tools, techniques, any practices that reinforce your value. Therapy, coaching, and cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy (CBH) can help you rewire the subconscious beliefs that keep you chasing validation.
- Stop Romanticising the Wrong Person
Your mind might cling to the idea that your ex was the one. But was the relationship truly fulfilling, or were you constantly walking on eggshells? Acknowledge what was real, not just what you wish had been.
- Learn to Trust Yourself Again
When relationships fall apart, we often stop trusting our own judgment. Start by tuning into your intuition and recognising red flags early. You don’t have to overthink every decision—just listen to how someone makes you feel.
- Redefine Love on Your Own Terms
Real love isn’t about chasing, proving, or performing. It’s about mutual respect, safety, and emotional intimacy. If you’ve never had that before, it might feel unfamiliar—but it’s absolutely possible.